We tend to lose our cool so often when our kids make us angry. There are many reasons why we do this, the main one being-  we simply let ourselves get to that stage.

When we get to that angry stage and have reacted emotionally- we are essentially allowing our kid’s behaviour to determine how we behave, instead of the other way around. This is simply because we have not brought enough awareness into this part of our lives. Like many other things, we are running on auto-pilot and our first thought is to get our kids under control, rather than stopping and thinking to get ourselves under control before reacting.

When you push to control your teen’s behaviour before managing your own anger, your sending the signal of ‘I’m out of control, you need to change so I can feel better’.

Of course, no parent wants to go from zero to 100, it is for the most part unintentional and like I said, an automatic response. The best way around this is- acknowledging what’s going on, understanding how important it is to get control—and ultimately gaining control of ourselves. 

 Here are some things I’ve found to be helpful for parents when I work with them.

1. Commit to yourself you won’t lose it.

Keep reminding yourself that you no longer will get to a boiling point and you will stay in control. Be aware of what your triggers are. Is it your teen ignoring you whilst texting away on their mobile? Is it when they leave their dirty socks and shoes scattered all over the floor? It’s not an easy task and no one is perfectly calm 100% of the time, but making that commitment will, over time create a calm household. 

2. Expect your buttons will get pushed.

There will be times your child makes you want to pull your hair out. Usually this is because our teen is not doing what we want them to do. We can start worrying that we’re not doing a good job as parents or even fast forward to the future and wonder if this is how they’re going to be the rest of their lives. We can go through all sorts of worrying and in doing that, our anxiety goes way up. 

The best solution is to be realistic, your child will push your buttons and not to take it personally. Your child is doing his job (a teen who hasn’t full developed their life skills)—and your job is to remain calm so you can guide them.

3. Realize what you aren’t responsible for.

You’re responsible for helping your teen figure out how to solve the problem not for solving the problem for them.  If you feel like you’re responsible for solving your child’s problems, then they’re not going to feel like they can or ever have to solve the problem in the future. You will also become more and more agitated and try harder and harder. You’re also not responsible for making your child listen to but you are responsible for deciding how to respond to them when they doesn’t listen to you.

Life becomes so much easier when parents realise they are not responsible for everything. Drop some of that control and allow for a harmonious relationship between you and your teen.

4. Anticipate potential blow ups.

Notice when the tensions are high and try to prepare for it. You might pick up that between 4-6pm your family is more likely going to bicker or argue. This is because people have just come back from work, school, or university, they have had a long day, they're tired and hungry and their emotions are running higher than usual. Ask yourself, “How am I going to handle this situation when my teen comes home screaming at me? “What am I going to say when she asks to borrow my car when I know I’m going to say no?”. If you prepare yourself ahead of time, you are less likely going to react purely driven by emotions, and will be more able to stay calm and effectively communicate your response.

5. Breathe.

Take a few deep breaths when you feel yourself escalating—this will give you a moment to see some clarity. Responding and reacting are two different things. Responding means actually taking some time to think about what you want to say. Whereas reacting is simply being on auto-pilot, which is what we want to avoid. Allow yourself some time to get to a calm point where you can start thinking, whether it be excusing yourself from the situation for a few minutes or opting to talk about something at a later time. You don’t always need to respond then and there.

6. Have some affirmations handy.

Say a few words to yourself every time you feel your emotions are running high. It can be anything from “Stop and breathe” or “You’re patient and calm” to “Is this really such a big issue?”. Saying these words will remind you of the effort you are putting in and what you are trying to achieve. Think of these like little reminders, reminding you that as the good parent you are, you need to keep your calm.

As parent’s we want to set a good example for our kids, and sometimes this means losing our calm because we are so passionate in what we think is right. Just remember, when we keep our calm we are able to react in more rational manner, we are more likely to avoid arguments from escalating and we are setting a good example for our children who will start to match our modes. Observing our own behaviour helps us to learn from any mistakes and improve for the future. We are able to build upon our communication skills to achieve a more harmonious relationship with our teen and our family members.

The goal is to get our thinking part of our brain’s activated before our emotions take charge, this creates better parenting.

With love, 

Jacqui Zdravkovski.