Anger is a normal emotion just like getting sad or happy. However, anger can begin to impact our lives negatively when it gets out of control and turns into violence, aggression, bullying and constant arguments.
Research shows that anger can increase people's chance of developing coronary heart disease. It can also lead to stress-related problems, such as insomnia, digestive problems, and headaches.
One of the first things that happens when you feel angry is that you go into the fight or flight response. If you’re a non-confrontational person or in a position, such as being at work, where you don’t feel comfortable showing anger, your instinct will tell you to get away from the source of your problem.
Otherwise, you’re going to go into the fight response which is how we typically see anger. You raise your voice, make accusations, become defensive and show negative body language. These behaviors are harmful and irrational, yet we do them anyways because when we’re angry our perception of risk and danger is lowered.
When we get angry our amygdala (two almond shaped pieces of brains, right behind the eyes, in between the ears) take control of your brain. The main problem is that your amygdala is faster than the rational parts of your brain.
If you are frequently angry, this means you have been conditioned over time (which means the things you think often will become easier to think) within your amygdala. As our brains can be conditioned, they can also be taught new patterns of thinking by using anger management techniques to interrupt the conditioned brain. Things might still anger us, yet there will be room for the rational side of our brain to come into play so for example, instead of being angry and getting aggressive, we might instead feel angry and then have a constructive conversation to work something out.
It is useful to not ignore the anger yet, we can leave some space after feeling angry to say out loud: “I am angry, because...” This helps activate the rational parts of the brain again.
After getting angry it is helpful to reflect on your behavior so you can learn ways to improve yourself for next time, although, do not dwell in negative thought about the angry situation that just occurred. This is reprogramming yourself the wrong way again. Instead, whenever you catch yourself doing this, stop thinking about the subject, and focus hard on the sensations in a mindful way. Where are you feeling what exactly? Find the details of it.
What makes us angry?
Studies have pointed out three main things that make us angry:
Anger appears when your expectations are not fulfilled;
Anger appears as an attempt to hide other emotions;
Anger occurs when you see some things as a threat.
Anger is like an iceberg. Beneath it, lies many other possible issues that could be going on which is masked by the anger, such as; guilt, fear, past trauma, depression or anxiety.
Manage your anger by applying these techniques to your life:
1. Know your triggers-
Knowledge is power and once we are aware of the things that can potentially set us off this can help us to prepare for similar situations- whether it’s meditating before hand or avoiding a situation. Sometimes it isn’t until after a blow up that we realize a new trigger and that’s okay, as long as we reflect on the situation and unpack it so we can improve on our communication next time.
2. Stop yourself, even for a few seconds.
When you feel yourself boiling up, try to catch yourself and stop. Focus on your breath for at least 10 seconds, OR request to take a time out to cool down and gather yourself.
2. Once you're calm, express your anger
As soon as you're thinking clearer, express your frustration in an assertive but not demeaning way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting or intimidating others. Start your sentence with 'I' to describe how you're feeling.
3. Get some exercise
Physical activity can help reduce stress that can cause you to become angry.
4. Journaling
Journaling the times you feel angry and/or lash out can be highly effective in managing your anger and getting to the root of what is causing the anger.
It is useful to note down after each episode occurs- what triggered you, what you felt in your body, what you thought during the situation, how you reacted and what the outcome was.
By having this on paper we are able to see any patterns we have in what angers us and any certain times of the day or particular people that are usually involved. We can become our own detectives of our behaviour and this helps us to anticipate when we might start to get angry by noticing our bodily sensations.
5. Identify possible solutions
Instead of focusing on what makes you angry or annoyed, focus on how you can solve the issue to make you feel better.
6. Take a few timeouts
Give yourself short breaks during the day and especially when things are starting to stress you. This can be in the form of meditating, journaling or even just catching your breath and reflecting.
You are allowed to be angry, but not aggressive.
It is healthy that you try to reduce angry feelings in your day to day life. In doing so, you will keep calm and be anger-free, and live happier and longer.
Yet it also important to remember that anger is an emotion and we are going to feel it every now and then. As long as we don't let it consume us we can use anger as a tool to teach us messages instead of it controlling us negatively.
With love,
Jacqui Zdravkovski