Teenager's (brains) are a work in progress. I see it all too often when adults seem to forget this or are not aware of how their teenager is developing and take many things too personally. In order for you to engage with your teen more effectively, you have to be able to understand them. Teens will only engage with you if they feel like they have been validated, understood or acknowledged.
It is important that you can successfully distinguish between your teen's developmental process and their character or personal qualities. This will allow you to respond in a constructive way that can help you and your teen's relationship. Otherwise, a destructive argument where you label your teen with what you think their behaviour implies could lead to resistance from your teen and little engagement.
An outcome of the teen developmental process is that their thoughts are very 'ego-centric'. This means that they view themselves and their social relations as the very most important things in their lives. They are constantly making sense of the world from the perspective of themselves being the centre of it. This thinking ability, mixed with a lack of long life experience and the need for social reassurance, results in their belief that their social relationships are the most important thing to be focused on in any given time.
Have you ever been ignored because your teen was so immersed in their texting conversation on their mobile? Or have you been in what you thought was a great conversation with your teen only to be interrupted with an 'OH MY GOD, TRACY JUST BOUGHT THE CUTEST LITTLE DOG'. You then get mad because you think your teen is personally disrespecting you, you might even call them a disrespectful child or accuse them of never wanting to talk to you. This is a destructive outcome as there is no room for feedback, no understanding on your behalf and most likely, an increased chance of things escalating in the wrong direction.
Instead, try to realise that your conversation (and even instructions from their classroom teacher) come second in terms of importance and attention to a teen if the distraction meets their highest needs. The teenager will attend to what they perceive as their urgent needs and most likely are not even aware of you in that moment.
Of course you shouldn't let these things slide, just take a different approach and provide constructive feedback of what you noticed them doing, how it made you feel and how they could improve in the future (refrain from personal attacks).
Another common issues parents have with their teens is risky behaviour engaging. There is a biological reason to this too. Their brain's are still in construction, although they are wired to be sensitive to emotional and sensory stimului, their object evaluation and risk management isn't so great. Parents, if you respond to your child's risky behaviour by getting angry and labelling them, this can create unnecessary friction and strain your relationship with your child.
However, if you realise that their young brain still forming, you can take a step back and start to discuss with your teenager in a calm but assertive manner, ways to reduce occurrences of the risky behaviour and the negative consequences involved if repeated.
Remember, you don't need to be the 'cool and hip' parent, young people actually don't want this, they also don't want a parent who they feel distant from and terrified to disclose anything to. Instead, be understanding, be assertive and be open to listening and understand your child's feelings and point of view. This will create a beautiful relationship between you and your child and increase the chances of positive engagement and disclosure in the future.
When adolescence is viewed as a process rather than a personal threat, you are free to consider how to work with it rather than against it.
With love,
Jacqui Zdravkovski