Relationships can be a wonderful experience where two people open their hearts out to each other and commit to share their lives together. The right relationship can make you feel joyful, full of love and can assist you to grow into the best version of yourself.
On the other hand, relationships can sometimes be unhealthy, whereby you find there are a lot of arguments, name calling, possessiveness or betrayal.
The following are common (unhealthy) reasons we pursue intimate relationships:
1. Loneliness
2. Heartache from a recent relationship
3. To feel worthy or purposeful
4. To gain something superficial like wealth or social status
5. From pressure of family
The above reasons are not healthy excuses to get into a relationship as they imply you are seeking someone to fill a void in yourself or your life. Your partner will never satisfy all your needs, nor should they be expected to.
For example, if loneliness drives us to get into a relationship, and the person we end up with goes on a holiday without us for a month, how would that leave us feeling? Probably even more lonely. They might have filled a void temporarily, but if for some reason they are no longer present, you might end up feeling even worse than what you did before.
Loneliness doesn't necessarily only happen when we are disconnected from people, it can happen even when we have all the family and friends in the world by our side. Loneliness can be an internal process we feel when we are in some way disconnected to our true selves. We may feel unworthy or depressed, mostly because we are unsure of our purpose and place in this world.
If we pursue a relationship to feel like we have a purpose, then our sense of self is dependent on one person, who isn't you. This can cause many problems in the relationship.
Firstly, you might have many expectations of your partner and if these don't get met it might feel like your world is crashing down. Why? Because your identity that you've created from this relationship is getting tampered with every time something doesn't go your way.
Dependency can also occur as the thought of losing this person, means you're losing yourself. This can turn into an unhealthy relationship of possessiveness, physical and emotional abuse, anxiety and depression.
On the contrary, if we realise there is a void in our lives, and we decide to focus on working on ourselves to fill that void as opposed to trying to get it from another person, our relationships can be so much healthier and positive.
It's not to say challenges won't arise, it just means that when they do come up, they will be true of the relationship as opposed to because of underlying emotional issues that haven't been dealt with. In which case, arguments will resurface again and again, until the root of the issue is dealt with.
The other examples above, all come down to the fact that we are not seeking a relationship for the right reasons such as to compliment our life, to grow with someone and to share our love and life with someone. We should feel like we are stable emotionally and that we are content to be both on our own or in a relationship. A relationship should make up part of your happiness, your life should not depend purely on it.
Before you think you need a partner to make yourself happy, try being your own best friend and create that sunshine for yourself, you'll soon attract the person who is right for you. Remember, the greatest project you will ever work on is yourself
With love,
Jacqui Zdravkovski