If I told you someone is sabotaging you from reaching your goals or increasing your positive feelings, you would probably be shocked and demand to know who. Perhaps, your ex-partner or past best friend comes to your mind. Although this could be true, the main man behind the show is in fact- YOU. Sometimes, that little thing in our heads called the brain can be our worst enemy and we're not even aware of it. As humans, we adapt very quickly, and when we get used to things we are less likely to suddenly look at something from a different perspective in order for change to take place.
So, here are 4 ways you could be sabotaging yourself. I hope if any these behaviours sound like something you're doing, that spark will light up in your brain and you can take the necessary steps to say goodbye to these set backs in your life.
1. Negative self talk
This is a big one as I can safely say all of us to some extent experience negative self talk. We have over 50,000 thoughts a day, our brains are wired to jump to the negative side of things so what are the chances we won't have thoughts about ourselves that aren't exactly warm hearted? A good chance I'd say.
How do we control this? Well as as Jim Rohn put it 'Stand guard at the door of your mind'. This is what we actually need to do. Our mind is like a seed, we need to water it with what we want it to think and believe otherwise other not so favourable things will do it for us! The news, the pessimistic neighbour you have trying to give you advice, the flooding messages from modern society's social media, or worse- our self limiting beliefs that were created as young kids that we have never updated.
First off we need to be aware. Start to pay attention to your thoughts, especially repeated ones because we have many of these.
Secondly, start to feed your brain positive thoughts. If we don't learn to control our mind, our mind will control us. And we all know what the brain likes doing-looking at the negatives, absorbing external information and repeating messages!
Daily affirmations are a great way to train the brain to start to think positive thoughts about ourselves. For instance, if we regard ourselves as being shy and think that nobody wants to speak to us- we could say to ourselves every morning and every night 'I am a confident and an approachable person'. Over time, affirmations like this gets your brain used to the thought. Your brain starts to rewire itself by repeating this message in your head, you then start to feel happy about this remark and act accordingly to this belief.
Sooner than later, you no longer need to repeat the affirmation in your head as the behaviour comes naturally! What we think is what we believe and what we believe is what we achieve. This is why I said the negative self talk is such a big issue- it's probably the most detrimental of all self-sabotaging behaviours. Our limiting beliefs are the biggest road block to achieving anything we really want to achieve. Remember, be kind to yourself and ultimately be the observer of your thoughts- not the absorber.
2. Procrastination
Here's one that all of us are guilty of. Putting off doing something, waiting to the last minute to rush something you were meant to start 5 hours ago, getting to 11pm and then stressing out and cursing at yourself for watching 6 re-play episodes of Seinfeld. Been there, done that. Procrastination is a serous self-sabotaging behaviour. Why would we do that to ourselves when we know if we just took immediate action we would feel so much better? It could well be what we discussed above. The little voice in our heads saying 'don't start, you won't do a good job anyway', 'you'll probably fail, so what's the point of putting effort in it?'.
You could also just be avoiding the task because you see it as such a big project that it scares you off. The trick to that is to break up your task in little steps, so all you're focusing on is that small achievable step. When we think something is such a huge task, we feel overwhelmed and we then delay starting it. Makes sense when you realise the hardest part of your task was actually starting. Remember, one step at a time.
Some people also procrastinate because they're scared of succeeding! Unlike the fear of failure, which is fed by our negative self talk and limiting beliefs, the fear of success stems from the fear of change. We naturally fear the unknown as humans and this is why sometimes even though we know doing something could be really positive, it also means some things will start to be different. So we self-sabotage, not because we hate ourselves but because we're actually trying to protect ourselves from 'potential danger' (the unknown).
A way to overcome this is to shift our focus to the way we will feel from the outcome of the goal or task, instead of focusing on all the things we would need to change. Just visualise how you'll benefit from it when it's done and the emotions you will feel and this could give you the right motivation to stop putting it off, instead of dwelling on the unknowns.
3. Hanging in the past
Remember that time when your friend lied to you 7 years ago and you said you forgave her but you secretly still think of it every time you see her and can't help but get mad? Well let's hope not! Hanging around in the past can be very detrimental to our happiness and our opportunity to live in the present and fully experience life. Of course, we all have memories both bad and good and we wouldn't be here today if the past didn't happen. But it's the things that perhaps hurt us, or ticked us off, or the regrets we have that keep replaying in our minds that are sabotaging us.
If we don't learn to forgive ourselves or someone, we are ultimately giving that person or situation power over our mood. As I said above, our thoughts are powerful and what we think we will feel and believe. Have you ever been in your comfy bed snugged up all safe and warm, ready for bed and at the same time felt your heart racing at the speed of light, your head tense and breath short? Yes, because you were thinking of that presentation you had to give the following day. It wasn't actually happening, but because you were thinking about it, your brain thought it was happening and your body then responded. So this is how the past can have power of us.
If we keep replaying a negative situation over in our minds, we keep replaying negative emotions. Why would you sabotage yourself like that? Well the answer is that you probably didn't know that you were doing it in the first place. Like I said, we adapt so well as humans, our brains run on auto pilot unless we manually reprogram it. If we live in the past, we're physically and emotionally not open to what is happening in our present. It's like we're replaying an old bad movie over and over again. How bizarre is that?
When we becomes open to the present, we become open to new experiences, and potentially new stories to heal our old wounds. New hopes, lessons, opportunities, experiences! Our life doesn't end on one bad chapter, it keeps going and the more we're open to this, the more we can flow easier through life.
Ways we can improve on living in the present is to practise mindfulness daily. This helps us to become aware of our thoughts and behaviour from a different and clear perspective. Instead of being reactive to our environment, mindfulness helps us to be proactive in being able to detect this sort of behaviour so we can reflect on it and correct it for the future. Meditation is also great for learning forgiveness to ourselves and others. It connects us to our true selves, offers mind clarity and inner peace.
4. Comparing ourselves to others
This is especially so common nowadays with social media becoming so widespread and heavily used. Sometimes we can't help but want to spend hours a day looking through our favourite celebrity's instagram photos, or people's Facebook holiday albums. Although we might think we're just having a harmless 'stalk', we're actually setting ourselves up for feelings of jealousy, self-doubt as well as distraction to our own lives. When we focus on someone else's life we undermine our own as we all have our unique journeys. Social media can be especially unrealistic as you mostly only see the best of someone's life, this can distort our perception in seeing someone as 'perfect' and thinking of ourselves as someone much less. We should simply become aware of our social media use, have realistic thoughts about people's pages and as we can still admire, never compare. Focus on becoming a better version of yourself as your motivation in life as this is technically the only person you can be fairly compared to.
Bonus Note:
So this is one you might not be doing that is sabotaging yourself. That is, you're not giving! Giving is the secret to living. When we give something whether it be our time, our kind donations of some sort or a random act of kindness to someone, we instantly feel good about it and guess what? The receiver does too. Humans are actually built with innate qualities of needing connection and wanting to contribute, that is why this stuff makes us feel so happy and just feels right.
Yes, indeed we must focus on our lives and not constantly compare ourselves to others in terms of who is 'luckier' or 'richer', but focusing on ourselves too much really creates a sense that we are in this world alone. We are not. We are all humans, who want to connect, want to love and want to work harmoniously together through this thing called life. So if you're not already thinking about how you can make someone happy or help someone less fortunate out, I highly recommend you do.
Start by setting a small goal of trying to make someone laugh today! I personally use this affirmation in the morning which I borrowed from my friend and you could borrow too. Ask yourself each morning 'Who can I serve or help today and how can I make someone's life a little better today?'. This puts a question in your brain, and brains love answering questions. As well as setting the intention of your motives, it is more likely you will find ways throughout the day to be more aware of someone who needs a helping hand. Practising this daily will eventually lead to you being habitually helpful. You'll be amazed how good you feel and how much people you are impacting positively. Remember, you don't need money to help someone, soemtimes all someone needs is a smile.
So there you have it, 4 behaviours to look out for in your life to avoid self-sabotaging yourself from happiness and a enjoyable life and one thing you should (if you haven't already) add to your life!
With love,
Jacqui Zdravkovski